


Never Thought I'd See The Day

by Snoezibol



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Get ready to feel bad for Spy, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It's dramatic y'all, M/M, Own intake of Spy's background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 14:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snoezibol/pseuds/Snoezibol
Summary: After Engineer notices a pattern of Spy acting particularly odd on his birthdays, he can't help but ask what exactly is going on. However, is he prepared to hear the truth?





	Never Thought I'd See The Day

**Author's Note:**

> Since basically Spy's backrgound is as blank as a white sheet of paper I've decided to fill it up with a few of my own headcanons. This entire things is overly dramatic and just generally a lot, but to me it still kind of fits him? 
> 
> Slight warning: There are mentions to a drug addiction in this work, so if you feel uncomfortable with that or you know it'll affect you badly, please do not proceed onwards from this point. Your mental health is more important than anything else, so please respect it too!

Spy was acting strange, even stranger than usual and it had Engineer worried.

 

 

Today had been Spy's fiftieth birthday and even though Engineer had gradually noticed over the years that Spy didn't always enjoy his birthday, at least now the hardhat had expected him to be more _enthusiastic_ about it. You don't turn fifty every year, do you? It's a milestone in one's life and Spy had treated it like it was just a day like any other.

 

 

Perhaps Spy didn't like the thought of aging. He always took good care of himself, sloppy wasn't a word to describe Spy with, so Engineer had guessed that adding another year to his age slightly dented Spy's ego each time it happened. New wrinkles, the vast greying of his hair and the endless commentary of their colleagues teasing Spy about his birthday might have been the cause for the Frenchman to act so odd.

 

 

But as evening fell and Engineer had joined Spy in his smoking room, he noticed that Spy had turned plain _sad_. Now odd, he could do, that was a mood Spy had shown him countless times by now, but sad? Usually Spy was way too proud to show any discomfort he might be experiencing, even when things are completely crashing down on him, but now everything about the atmosphere in Spy's beloved smoking room was pressing and not because of the increasing smoke thinning the air, not at all, because there wasn't any. Spy hadn't even _touched_ a cigarette the entire time they were in there. Something more than plain hating your birthday was up and it was worrying to see.

 

 

"Spy?" The name left Engineer without his own consent, the word itself sounding distant to his own ears as if he hadn't been the one sounding it out.

 

 

Spy lifted his gaze from the paper in his hands, the deep orange colours of the fireplace casting rather dramatic shadows over his sharp face, even more noticeable now when he wasn't wearing his mask. "Hmm?"

 

 

He looked defeated. Looking back at Engineer with the eyes of a man who'd given up, but the hardhat didn't even know on what. The expression alone robbed Engineer of his usual hopeful spirit and replaced it with this frigid feeling of distress.

 

 

Spy wasn't even bothering to hide it anymore and that's when Engineer _really_ knew something was wrong.

 

 

"You've been euh... actin' awfully strange today..." Engie tried to keep a close watch on Spy's expression, hoping for any indication that he might be onto something even though it didn't seem to change by an inch. Perhaps that was one of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with Spy, you can't read him, at all. The only person in control of what you'll get to know about Spy and how much exactly, is Spy himself and it always left Engineer wondering whether the Frenchman really trusted him or not, if he really knew who the person calling himself Spy actually was. "Somethin' on your mind?"

 

 

"What are you talking about?" The Frenchman feigned confusion, but they both knew better. He sighed deeply once as he folded the paper and put it away. Spy pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, before looking back at Engineer with a slight smile that the hardhat couldn't exactly place. It didn't seem forced, yet it also didn't hold any feeling, as if Spy was likely still fighting with whatever it was keeping him down and his expressions simply had no way with itself.

 

 

"I'm a bit worried 'bout ya, honestly." Engineer carefully confessed, knowing Spy absolutely detested that. It all fell underneath the fact that presenting himself as weak wasn't something Spy usually did, so someone so much as _mentioning_ to him that they were worried, frankly rubbed the Frenchman the wrong way.

 

 

That's what years of sensibility training does to you, Engineer guessed.

 

 

"You do not have to, Engineer. I... am okay." Spy ran a hand through his mostly black hair, safe for the greying at his temples as his eyes darted from the hardhat towards the ground and up to the fire smouldering in the fireplace. Engineer could see him think from where he was seated and something told the hardhat that Spy might be considering telling him what exactly was going on. He only had to play this right.

 

 

"Darl', when I say I'm worried 'bout ya it ain't to make ya feel uncomfortable and have ya dismiss everythin' within the blink of an eye. It's to remind ya that I've _noticed_ you're actin' weird and that if ya wanne talk 'bout it, I'm right here." He watched the turmoil in Spy's eyes, the struggle of trying to comprehend the benign nature of Engineer's actions. But Engineer wasn't surprised, by now Spy had heard so many people agree on the Frenchman being a bad person that he himself nearly started believing it too.

 

 

Spy watched Engineer for a moment longer, deliberately breathing in and out as he tapped his fingers against his knee in thought, mouth opening and closing a few times until he took a sharp intake of breath and spoke up. "I know that and I am sorry I never act upon it, but there are simply a few things I am not quite sure about whether you should actually hear them or not. I do not want to scare you away." The last part had been quietly added as Spy averted his eyes from Engineer as if he were ashamed for showing so much emotion in one simple sentence.

 

 

"'course I ain't goin' to force ya into tellin' me anythin', that'd be unfair. I just hope ya know that I have thick skin, I can handle more than ya probably think." Engineer shifted a bit closer to Spy, taking his gloved hands into his own and searching to make eye contact. "I don't want ya gettin' sour over things ya need to get off of your chest, but keep to yourself 'cause ya think I wouldn't be able to handle 'em. It's awfully nice of ya to consider that, but sometimes keepin' all the negativity inside ourselves only results in worse things."

 

 

Engineer gave Spy's hands a gentle squeeze, that finally causing for the Frenchman to look back and even smile a bit as he shook his head, the fondest of expressions currently painting Spy's features. "You know I love you very much, right?"

 

 

Engineer chuckled deeply at that because yes, he knew and Spy knew he loved him as well, hence the reason why he was so worried, why he bothered to ask what was going on with him and be rather persistent with it too.  

 

 

The conversation between them ceased for a moment, the fire cackling next to them with the gentle cracking of wood and flames flicking every which way. Spy moved his gaze again for a moment, thinking, until he eventually opened his mouth to speak.

 

 

"There are, uh... a few things you, well _no one_ , really know about me." He confessed silently, words an uncharacteristic murmur for the usually so clever Frenchman. "The first twenty five years of my life are years I do not care to remember, because they were... they were bad."

 

 

Hearing those words struggle themselves a way out of Spy's mouth reminded Engineer that indeed, Spy never talked about his youth. First the hardhat hadn't really thought anything of it, they'd only been together for a couple of months, perhaps that was simply too soon to tell each other about your history, but ever since then Engineer had kind of forgotten about it. And now, a good year and a half later, Spy still hadn't opened up an inch about that.

 

 

That had to mean _something_ , Engineer knew Spy. He wasn't someone to sugar coat, nor to blow up things that shouldn't be blown up. So when he tells you something was bad, you best be sure it _was bad_.

 

 

"It started out with the fact that I grew up in an orphanage back in France, apparently I had been left there only a few days after I was born. I never knew my parents and I never got adopted, so... the orphanage and the women taking care of us was the only sense of 'family' I had at that time." The ghost of a smile that had been momentarily resting on Spy's lips completely vanished after that and a muscle ticked in his jaw. "We never really got treated like... children at that orphanage. The older you became, the more that house felt like a dumping ground for children nobody actually wanted. They took care of us yes, made sure we did not die, but there was always that increasing impatience from our caregivers as if we were a waste of time instead of, you know, children who needed just as much attention and _love_ as any normal child would. It was surreal."

 

 

Engineer had no single idea where this was going to, but he was at the edge of his seat with every word Spy spoke anyway. There was an unexplainable ache in his chest from that first story alone and somewhere the hardhat had a hunch that this was, sadly, only the beginning.

 

 

Spy had said the first _twenty five_ years of his life, hadn't he?

 

 

"Given my circumstances, I was a rather pessimistic child. From the day I was old enough to realise what an orphanage actually is, I knew I would never be leaving that property with a pair of new parents. You had to be extremely lucky to actually get adopted, so many children wasted their entire youth away within the four walls of that orphanage and I was no exception." Suddenly Spy stopped speaking all at once. He held his breath for a moment, his icy blue gaze fixated on the cotton rug beneath their feet.

 

 

In that moment, Engineer gave Spy a hesitant look over, wondering what exactly it was Spy was struggling to get out. The turmoil Spy was currently going through was stupidly intense and lead Engineer to believe that this might be new terrain for Spy. Sharing things and actually opening up seemed to be more of a fight than the hardhat had expected it to be.

 

 

They'd been together for a good year and a half now and in one evening Engineer learned more about his partner than he'd done in all the time they'd already spend together. It was _astonishing_.

 

 

"Around the age of fifteen going on sixteen, I had become so familiar with the concept my life had taken at that moment, that I did not really care about _anything_. I did not care about school, did not care about what people I called friends and I surely did not care about myself. I disobeyed rules, got punished all the time and was in the constant company of people older than me who had already entirely given up on their lives, so why would I not just follow them, right?" He sighed deeply, all the pride he usually possessed melting away from him as he pressed his lips into a thin line and softly nodded his head as if the mere thought of what he was about to say lunged him right back into every single memory he had of that time.

 

 

And for a moment there Engineer thought Spy might not tell him after all. Perhaps five minutes had passed at that point and not a single word had left Spy's mouth, despite the overwhelming feeling of sadness captured in his eyes. He was like a picture without sound, but sadly Engineer didn't know enough about this picture to know what exactly was going on.

 

 

"I.." The hardhat's heart subtly picked up speed as Spy _finally_ untangled himself from the tumult his thoughts had put him into and spoke up. "I developed a... a drug addiction not much after I turned sixteen. I did nearly everything I could get my hands on and I did not care who gave them to me or where they came from. No one at the orphanage knew and no one noticed, which was something I had already realised months prior before I even started. I knew I was able to do something like that, to go that far, because absolutely no one would bet an eye to what I might have been doing wrong."

 

 

Slowly Spy's story was tearing something up within Engineer. It's painful to discover something like that, to hear all about the struggles someone else went through at times where they were so utterly alone. But despite the ache and despite the distress, Engineer still wanted to hear the rest. He could handle this, whatever he was feeling were completely normal feelings whenever someone bares themselves as much as Spy was doing right now.

 

 

He didn't dare ask a question and possibly ruin this crude path of honesty Spy was walking. So Engineer stayed quiet as he looked at Spy and noticed the details on his face, going from the cut in his left eyebrow to the faint line on his cheek and the ever so alarming scar nestled in his throat. Spy had claimed he'd gotten it during one of his missions and Engineer had never questioned it.

 

 

"I carried that addiction with me for nearly two years and each time I did it, it spiralled more out of control and my health was declining fast. I lost a whole lot of weight, was severely sleep deprived and gradually became more depressed the longer I did it until one day.. I overdosed."

 

 

Engie's eyes widened in shock and fear, as if he might believe Spy had actually died if it weren't for him sitting right in front of him. "R-really..?" The hardhat silently croaked, holding onto the Frenchman's hand a little tighter, afraid he might slip from him.

 

 

"I was very lucky someone found me, because the people I had taken those drugs with had abandoned me the moment I passed out. If it had not been for an old lady stumbling across me, I would have been dead." Spy looked ashamed, a look that really didn't quite suit him, Engineer noticed. He'd give a lot to hear a snarky comment or clever reply leave Spy's mouth right about now, but that was only wishful thinking. "They rushed me to a hospital, managed to stabilize me and once my life was not in danger anymore and I was strong enough to recover, they send me to rehab. By that point I was experiencing a lot of withdrawal symptoms and every day felt like I was going to die, but surprisingly rehab really did work for me. I stayed there until I was a little over eighteen, but once I finally returned to the orphanage, completely clean, they told me they had already given my bed to someone else and that however poignant my situation may be, I had to go and be independent without a single days notice. I had absolutely nowhere to go, so for the year and a half following that, I lived on the streets."

 

 

Spy's story was the true definition of never being cut any slack. It seemed as if Spy had tumbled from one bad ending into another one and that for, apparently, twenty five _long_ and painful years.

 

 

"I stole food, sneaked my way into buildings at night to have somewhere to sleep and always managed to hide myself whenever police decided to overthrow popular spots where a lot of people sought shelter for the night and surprisingly all that was not going unnoticed. When I turned twenty I was approached by someone offering me a mysterious job in _America_ of all places, they wanted to hire me as a spy and given my circumstances at the time I did not even _think_ about hesitating. I went to America, learned English, became a spy and when I finally thought I was slowly piecing my life back together, I met Linda."

 

 

Engineer recognized that name. It was weighted down with the awareness that it wouldn't only sound familiar to him, but to Scout as well given that it was well... _his mother_.

 

 

"She was a true misfortune wrapped up in the promising disguise of a hopeful future and I let myself get so far carried away with it that by the time I was twenty-one, she was expecting." Spy buried his face into his gloved hands, heavily sighing out. "I had been so careless and.. in love, oblivious to the fact that I was still _a spy_ and no matter how much I loved her, I could not stay with her." His voice grew softer as his next words left the Frenchman as regret filled whispers. "I abandoned her.. I abandoned _them_ and for what? The life as a spy was nothing as I thought it would be and for years I lived through my days wondering if it had been a boy or a girl, what their name would be and how much they hated me. It was a hole in my life and heart I thought I would never be able to fill again."

 

 

And with that, all Spy's cards were on the table and It took a while for Engineer to fully process everything Spy had told him tonight. Not just the fact that the Frenchman's story had been littered with information he hadn't even caught wind of before, is what had Engineer started, it was more that he was at an absolute loss for words, because what do you tell someone in a situation like this? Spy had been through more than Engineer could imagine, the Frenchman had been to hell and back, what is there to possibly tell Spy he doesn't know already?

 

 

The hardhat had no way with his words and Spy noticed that, a soft smile setting across his face as now Spy was the one grabbing a hold of Engineer's hands and looking him straight in the eyes.  

 

 

"I am not telling you all this because I want you to feel bad for me, so please... do not do that. I told you this because I wanted to clarify my behaviour. I am not sad about turning fifty, it is more that I never _expected_ to turn fifty in the first place. Believe it or not, dear, but I do not hate my birthdays. Every year I am just a little astonished I managed to grow that old that I get too distracted to actually enjoy them. Perhaps it is just an instinct from all those years back, but it is bothering. It would be nice to have one year where I do not think myself into a bad mood."   

 

 

Engineer slowly nodded his head, everything finally making a little more sense to him. "I can imagine that bein' a spy doesn't exactly come with a feelin' of safety, surely not after what happened back when ya were.. eighteen, but... how 'bout Fortress. Y'know there ain't no risks to this job, how does that make ya feel?"

 

 

"Better, honestly. I cannot deny the fact that my life has gotten a whole lot more enjoyable ever since I joined fortress, but there is always that lingering feeling of paranoia within me and now I am just hoping it will vanish with the years."

 

 

If Engineer could take all the hurt within Spy's heart and take it upon himself so the Frenchman wouldn't have to deal with it any longer, the hardhat would be onto that within a heartbeat, but sadly... he couldn't. Engie couldn't take away Spy's past, couldn't erase all the bad and spare him the trouble of childhood trauma and the amounts of baggage that came with him into his adult life because of it. That's not how things like that work.

 

 

"The thing is, however, that I _have_ been doing rather fine lately." It was a sudden positive note to change the entire conversation and it had Engineer surprised. He hadn't been expecting any type of optimistic view from Spy right now and he couldn't have blamed him for that, but this was a surprise, a rather pleasant one too. Maybe Spy had gotten a whole lot wiser over the years, at least that's something all his experience bothered to leave him with. Knowledge. "I have a stable job, a roof above my head, a healthy relationship, I am still clean and the child I abandoned _years_ ago has acknowledged me as their father and things are actually going good between Scout and myself." He smiled more heartedly now, eyes shining out with something uplifting rather than anything dire. "Things really do get better and I am a prime example of that. I may not have had the best childhood, but I at least know my future will be different, _better_." Much like Engineer had done, Spy gave his hands a gentle squeeze, wanting the hardhat's full attention for what he was about to say. Their gazes crossed, eyes locking one more time before Spy spoke words Engineer would never forget again.

 

 

"Even if it took me nearly forty-eight years to find my own little piece of happiness, at least I _have_ found it and I am not planning on letting that go any time soon."

 

\--  

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wanted to post this on my Tumblr, but since it's the whole protest thing and no one's going on Tumblr, including me, I thought it wouldn't be a waste to post this baby on AO3
> 
> Once this whole protest thing is over, I'll normally still post it on my Tumblr as well, that is if Tumblr will survive that long lmao


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